i'm depressed, and you're not helping

first, a note: as mental health month comes to an end, i thought it might be helpful to continue the conversation around depression. a friend suggested that i provide occasional updates along this journey; i'm considering it as i write this post. by the way, thanks to everyone who has stopped to talk to me, written to me, hugged me or asked me about my experience with depression. i had no idea writing about this part of my life would touch such a chord with people. i'm grateful for the opportunity to help others.

i don't trust my brain in this current season of life. depression can cause you to see circumstances and people through a clouded lens. that lens causes me to often doubt what i see, hear and say. depression also can make me more sensitive to comments. it sucks, but it's a fact.

i love that i am surrounded by people who care about me and want to help me. ninety percent of them respond or encourage me well, but there are some well-meaning folks out there whose advice or encouraging words fall flat. i've taken a moment to break them down.

Please don't tell me that all things work together for the good.

i believe in scriptural truth, but paul's words don't help at this point in the journey. depression doesn't feel good, and when you are sitting in darkness, it's very challenging to see the light, even if you know it exists. if you want to pull from romans 8, a better choice would be romans 8:26: likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

please don't tell me to take captive every thought or remind me to think on whatsoever things are true, honest, just...of good report...

my mind is flooded with continuous thoughts and questions. some have to do with depression; many of them do not. i listen to uplifting podcasts when i'm in my car. i still give thanks to God, but there are moments when i feel completely alone. there are times that i think you are simply patronizing me.

as far as philippians goes...think on what is true? the truth is i have clinical depression. honest? i honestly feel like you want to fix me instead of understand me. just? depression feels pretty unjust.

a better way to encourage me is to ask if you can pray for me or to send me a note telling me that you did pray for me. a better way to encourage is to offer to listen -- withholding judgement or patronizing advice.

please don't tell me that you sometimes feel down or get the blues.

depression is not feeling down or having the blues. depression is much more than feeling sad or alone, and it is relentless. depression is like pulling a 100-pound sack of potatoes behind you all the time. depression is knowing there are things you could do, but not having the motivation to do them. depression is doubting everyone's motive for talking to you. it's not pretty, but it's the truth.

if you really want to help, practice empathy. you may not have ever experienced clinical depression, but you likely have had someone close to you die. you may have been in what seemed to be an impossible situation. go back to that headspace, and remember how it felt; then respond.

please don't remind me of all the things i have to be thankful for.

i'm aware, painfully so. i feel guilty for feeling like this when life is so good in so many ways. i feel shame for thinking that it's not worth the effort to get out of bed or take a walk. guilt and shame are a part of the depression journey. amplifying it doesn't help.

please don't tell me that God will heal me.

i know he can, but that doesn't mean he will. he didn't choose to heal my mom of diabetes, and he hasn't chosen to heal my two friends of cancer. God's plan for me may or may not include being healed of depression.

i remember praying at the altar every sunday and petitioning God throughout the day to heal me when i first experienced depression 20 years ago. one day, though, i changed my prayer. i asked him that if he wouldn't heal me could i at least have a testimony out of it. that is what he gave me, a testimony that i can share with you, but it didn't happen instantly.

please don't tell me that God has a plan, and be careful quoting from the book of job.

i am aware that God has a plan. i'm living it. as with job, just because he has a plan doesn't mean it feels good. job's buddies thought they had all the answers. God quickly and emphatically told them they did not.

please don't ask me if i have sin in my life.

uh, we're all sinners. yes, i have sin in my life. is that the reason i am depressed? no.

please don't ask me if i'm spending time in God's word.

this is the tenth year that i have endeavored to read the bible through in a year. i have done it for each of the past nine years, and thus far i'm up to date. today is day 145. my reading plan has me spending a lot of time in the psalms right now. i have found a lot of validation in the psalms, especially those written by david. he writes, i am a worm. he writes, i am poor and needy, and my heart is stricken within me. i am gone like a shadow at evening. i am shaken off like a locust. my knees are weak. i understand david.

please don't ask me if i'm getting enough rest.

i'm not. i'm sleepy all the time thanks to the second medicine prescribed to help me get better. my bladder is 59 years old. rest is currently a foreign concept.

here's what you CAN say or ask

• ask me how i'm progressing

• ask me about my wife and kids. i love talking about them.

• ask if I've talked to my doctor. (i have, by the way.) the reason this is important is because many people, particularly men, don't talk to their doctor about depression. someone very important to me encouraged me to talk to my doctor, and i am grateful to her for that.

• tell me if you've been depressed ,and tell me about your journey.

• tell me that you'd like to pray for me, and do it on the spot.

• tell me that although you don't understand, you care.